Ever felt like you have absolutely no direction, purpose, or reason? Ever felt like nothing can fully keep your attention and there's no real reason for it to keep your attention in the first place? Yeah, not my favorite feelings, but there you have it. The fun of depression. Plus no money. Plus no income. Plus no friends with time to spare your poor unfortunate ass because you've fully exhausted their support for you. Plus no savings. Plus no significant other. Goooooood times.
Sorry, didn't make this post for it to be a pity party. I've had plenty of time to sulk in my own pity and sorrows. I'm over it. Ya know where I'm at now? Pissed off. Not even just pissed off - pissed the fuck off. Because I have done this to myself. I'm the one who withdrew from grad school for the year because of my stupid choice. I'm the one who got fired, again for a stupid decision.
So, what is the point of this post? Honestly, there isn't one. No one will see this, but I needed something to do with my hands. With my brain. I'm sick of constant days off to twiddle my goddamn thumbs. I'm sick of not caring because I don't have a purpose that I should give a fuck about. I want purpose again. I want the drive to reach an end goal again. I want my fucking life back. But oh wait, the reason I'm in this lovely position in the first place is because my mindset and mental illnesses made me make the stupid decisions to fuck my life up in the first place. So, what am I to do? Good question. I wish I had the answer. I really do, as does everyone in my life. The people around me want answers, but are also SICK of hearing my poor little sob story. And I'm done with it, too. I'm sick of my own life and my own circumstances, too. But guess what? There's not a damn thing I can do about any of it. Sure, I could do some academic writing, but that doesn't guarantee I'll get any amount of my old life back. After that, I am stuck dealing with the circumstances that I've got. If you're looking for me in the coming weeks, I'm either at home or work. I've no money or energy to do anything remotely fun or social.
Pity Party over. I'd say thanks for listening, but I'm like 96.324% sure no one will see or read this. Ta tah!
