At A Loss

Ever felt like you have absolutely no direction, purpose, or reason? Ever felt like nothing can fully keep your attention and there's no real reason for it to keep your attention in the first place? Yeah, not my favorite feelings, but there you have it. The fun of depression. Plus no money. Plus no income. Plus no friends with time to spare your poor unfortunate ass because you've fully exhausted their support for you. Plus no savings. Plus no significant other. Goooooood times.

Sorry, didn't make this post for it to be a pity party. I've had plenty of time to sulk in my own pity and sorrows. I'm over it. Ya know where I'm at now? Pissed off. Not even just pissed off - pissed the fuck off. Because I have done this to myself. I'm the one who withdrew from grad school for the year because of my stupid choice. I'm the one who got fired, again for a stupid decision.

So, what is the point of this post? Honestly, there isn't one. No one will see this, but I needed something to do with my hands. With my brain. I'm sick of constant days off to twiddle my goddamn thumbs. I'm sick of not caring because I don't have a purpose that I should give a fuck about. I want purpose again. I want the drive to reach an end goal again. I want my fucking life back. But oh wait, the reason I'm in this lovely position in the first place is because my mindset and mental illnesses made me make the stupid decisions to fuck my life up in the first place. So, what am I to do? Good question. I wish I had the answer. I really do, as does everyone in my life. The people around me want answers, but are also SICK of hearing my poor little sob story. And I'm done with it, too. I'm sick of my own life and my own circumstances, too. But guess what? There's not a damn thing I can do about any of it. Sure, I could do some academic writing, but that doesn't guarantee I'll get any amount of my old life back. After that, I am stuck dealing with the circumstances that I've got. If you're looking for me in the coming weeks, I'm either at home or work. I've no money or energy to do anything remotely fun or social.

Pity Party over. I'd say thanks for listening, but I'm like 96.324% sure no one will see or read this. Ta tah!

Crossroads

I feel like I'm at this point in my life where I could continue to make all of these stupid decisions and slowly spiral out of control (like I've watched my family do forever). Or, I could maybe take a minute and really consider what life could look like if I stop making these stupid decisions.

This feels like a silly moment of pause, like how hard is it to see the obvious choice, but part of me doesn't want to face what could happen if I start being smart. I like having fun. I like being the fun person and for some stupid reason, I like being able to drink a decent amount. How ridiculous is it that I'm actually kind of proud of that? I kind of like surprising people with the shit I've done or am willing to do. Because I've always been the good student, the good kid, the goodie two shoes who's never been watched too closely because I'm trusted. What would like look like if I wasn't that fun person anymore? What would it look like if I start only socially drinking and stop after one or two because I know what happens when I drink more. I like feeling that happy buzz, but it's not common for me to stop at that point. I'm capable of it, but it's not the norm.

Maybe I want to continue this crisis. In some fucked up way. Why? I have no idea. I'm attached to my mental illness and don't know what life will look like without it. I'm miserable, but that's all I know, so why change now?

But then again, I don't want to throw away all the hard work I've put in. I got in to a PhD program for fuck's sake. I graduated college at 20. That's kind of a big deal, but I feel like I'm just wasting it by being this "cooler" version of myself where I do stupid shit and have fun just for the fuck of it.

So I'm torn. I like both the smart, scholarly, responsible version of myself, but I also like the fun, silly, kind of stupid version of myself. Maybe I just need to find a balance between the two, but I think the only way to do that is to let the fun one go for a little bit. Maybe I'll actually feel like I'm being an almost ok half-assed student and get some shit done that I can really be proud of if I let this stupid, fun, drunk Sam go for a titch. I don't know if I'll like how it feels for a little while, but I bet in the long run, 'twill be good. Then maybe, just maybe, I can start to integrate some aspects of fun Sam back in to life, where hopefully she won't take over again and I can maybe live a happy and fulfilling life. Wouldn't that be nice. Ha.

Alright, sorry team. Stream of consciousness over.

The Bucket List

Just checking in on the ever-lurking bucket list hanging over my head, and if I don't write that it happened online, then it didn't happen at all, right? So let's see...

▫️Visit Hogwarts ✅
▫️Travel to the homeland ☘✅
▫️Learn the balance between independence and interdependence ✅
▫️Graduate from dream college ❤️💛✅
▫️Remain single for one year after long relationship ✅
▫️Reconnect with friends from the past ✅
▫️Get an adult job that will get you closer to dream job ✅
▫️Charge ahead with nothing but excitement and an open mind ✅✅

I am so ready for the year ahead. This past year has shown me many great things. I've made and lost friends, I've grown as a person academically, professionally, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I've accepted my faults and know that I can't change them, but that doesn't mean they have to define me. I finally feel like I'm ready to take the next step of becoming who I'm meant to be with nothing to hold me back. I'm ALL IN and ready to see where this year takes me.

Throwing Thoughts to the Abyss

How am I supposed to be able to start a relationship when they have no idea all the shit that goes on in my brain? How am I supposed to be able to go out and meet someone when the voice in my head keeps playing all of my insecurities on repeat? I've known for a long time that anxiety is a son of a bitch, but the idea of sharing that with someone I hardly know is terrifying. But I can't really get to know someone if I'm not honest about how miserable I am. I'm sick of being lonely. I'm sick of hating myself. Here I thought I could find myself by being alone, yet it's only left me feeling more lost and pathetic than I've ever felt. I'm in a never-ending cycle of misery and loneliness. What am I supposed to do?

Revelations in an Irish Pub

As you may know, Oasis has a beautiful song called Wonderwall, repeatedly saying "you're gonna be the one that saves me." I once knew a man that attempted to teach me to play that song on the guitar on a mission trip. I practiced with him throughout the trip, but I was unable to fully master the song.

Sitting in an Irish pub this evening, I realized the significance of the song he was trying to teach me. When I met this man, I was going through a very difficult time in my life and he quite literally saved me. He showed me what forgiveness looked like and the worthiness of my own life. I still have a note from him reading simply "you are so worth it." It is one of the things that I look to when I remember the dark place I was in at the time as it attempts to pull me back.

It didn't occur to me until this evening the huge underlying message in the song I was learning. This man, who I had considered a friend, a companion, a strong supporter in my life, was quite literally showing me that he would be the one to save me. I'm not sure if he knew it at the time, but I know that I did not. I considered it just a simple song with simple chords to teach a beginner guitarist, but now I can see the message behind it all. Probably, God was sending a sign that this would be the song to get through the to me, but I can not really thank you for that. There are no words that can express the gratitude I feel for your actions of kindness. I wouldn't doubt if that is how you act towards every person you encounter and get to know, but I know I will never forget what you did for me. I will never forget how the simple task of taking the time to teach me a song on the guitar changed my heart and my attitude about life and my relationship with God. I know I have made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes, but knowing that someone as genuinely good as you lives in this world is enough to to make me believe there is still hope for someone like me.

And so I say thank you. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for seeing what I couldn't see, and being with me, and teaching me things (both about guitar and about myself) that I couldn't learn from anyone else. And although I know that these feelings may not be reciprocated, I love you. You showed me grace, forgiveness, and worthiness, and there is nothing else I can offer you but love.

You may never read this. In fact, no one may ever read this. But I need to know that it exists; that at one point I acknowledged the fact that I love you more than I thought possible. I apologize for the brutal honesty, but I see no point in hiding it. You saved me from myself and any chance I get to see you and chat makes my heart flutter, and, in reality, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, I hope you feel that same, but for now, I will go on, watching you grow into an even greater man, from the sidelines; all the while knowing that you will be great in whatever you chose to do, wherever you choose to do it, and with whomever you choose. I just hope I have made some small, if insignificant, impact in your life. It is all I can ask that I will not be forgotten in your eyes.

You were my messenger savior through Him, and for that, I can never repay you.

Thank you.

...

Just once I want things to be ok. I want to be accepted and happy and carefree. I want others to enjoy my company and want to be with me. I want them to support me and take pride in my accomplishments. But I guess that's too much to ask for. So why bother? What's the point? New start, you say? That's a joke, what a croc. Any new beginnings end just as fast as they started and before you know it, here I am, alone. Again...

Words are Hard

If you're anything like me, you know the struggle of speaking, let alone actually putting words in writing.  For this very reason, I haven't written a blog post or made a video in AGES.  But, I've decided to change that.  Even though I'm taking a full load at school, trying to start being healthy again and working out on a daily basis, and working far more than any part time job should allow, I really do want to become a presence on the interwebs once more.  Does anyone object? No? Awesome, let's get started.

I've had a lot of ideas about blogs and videos lately, almost too many to keep track of.  After all this time of doing nothing creative, it's like a flood of ideas is suddenly emerging, just waiting to be formulated.  Now I just have to think of the best way to divvy up any and all of my ideas.  Challenge accepted.

If you know me, you know I love to read.  It's been a hobby of mine since I was little and it's only gotten stronger through the years.  However, I have developed a deep rooted hate for a certain type of reading.  SCHOLARLY ARTICLES.  It feels like a curse word just saying it and yet I am forced to read them on a daily basis.  Now, don't get me wrong, there's a lot to be learned from scholars and their writings, I just fail to see how it's necessary to write material that is so dense.  I love being informed, gaining more knowledge, being a curious person who never ceases asking questions and learning more.  That being said, I find it very annoying when I have to sit and read one ten page article and it takes me an hour to get through it.  If you don't know this pain, good, congrats, I sincerely hope you never do.  Very rarely do I come across a dense article that actually has a meaningful point to walk away with.  It's very disheartening to know that hours of research and effort went into this study, only to have it be put into an article that is too dense for anyone to get anything out of it.  Now, that might be a little extreme, I'm sure there are people out there who enjoy articles like the ones I'm referring to, but I feel like the authors are just going about unappreciated for all their hard work.  With articles so dense and packed with information, it's hard for anyone not directly tied to that area of expertise to appreciate the words being written.  If they just made the articles a little more interesting, I'm sure they would receive much praise from the public at large for their work and developments in their fields.

Sorry if you appreciate and even enjoy scholarly articles, but I have qualms and they needed to be addressed.  More random thoughts will be on their way shortly, I promise.