Just checking in on the ever-lurking bucket list hanging over my head, and if I don't write that it happened online, then it didn't happen at all, right? So let's see...
▫️Visit Hogwarts ✅
▫️Travel to the homeland ☘✅
▫️Learn the balance between independence and interdependence ✅
▫️Graduate from dream college ❤️💛✅
▫️Remain single for one year after long relationship ✅
▫️Reconnect with friends from the past ✅
▫️Get an adult job that will get you closer to dream job ✅
▫️Charge ahead with nothing but excitement and an open mind ✅✅
I am so ready for the year ahead. This past year has shown me many great things. I've made and lost friends, I've grown as a person academically, professionally, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I've accepted my faults and know that I can't change them, but that doesn't mean they have to define me. I finally feel like I'm ready to take the next step of becoming who I'm meant to be with nothing to hold me back. I'm ALL IN and ready to see where this year takes me.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Throwing Thoughts to the Abyss
How am I supposed to be able to start a relationship when they have no idea all the shit that goes on in my brain? How am I supposed to be able to go out and meet someone when the voice in my head keeps playing all of my insecurities on repeat? I've known for a long time that anxiety is a son of a bitch, but the idea of sharing that with someone I hardly know is terrifying. But I can't really get to know someone if I'm not honest about how miserable I am. I'm sick of being lonely. I'm sick of hating myself. Here I thought I could find myself by being alone, yet it's only left me feeling more lost and pathetic than I've ever felt. I'm in a never-ending cycle of misery and loneliness. What am I supposed to do?
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Revelations in an Irish Pub
As you may know, Oasis has a beautiful song called Wonderwall, repeatedly saying "you're gonna be the one that saves me." I once knew a man that attempted to teach me to play that song on the guitar on a mission trip. I practiced with him throughout the trip, but I was unable to fully master the song.
Sitting in an Irish pub this evening, I realized the significance of the song he was trying to teach me. When I met this man, I was going through a very difficult time in my life and he quite literally saved me. He showed me what forgiveness looked like and the worthiness of my own life. I still have a note from him reading simply "you are so worth it." It is one of the things that I look to when I remember the dark place I was in at the time as it attempts to pull me back.
It didn't occur to me until this evening the huge underlying message in the song I was learning. This man, who I had considered a friend, a companion, a strong supporter in my life, was quite literally showing me that he would be the one to save me. I'm not sure if he knew it at the time, but I know that I did not. I considered it just a simple song with simple chords to teach a beginner guitarist, but now I can see the message behind it all. Probably, God was sending a sign that this would be the song to get through the to me, but I can not really thank you for that. There are no words that can express the gratitude I feel for your actions of kindness. I wouldn't doubt if that is how you act towards every person you encounter and get to know, but I know I will never forget what you did for me. I will never forget how the simple task of taking the time to teach me a song on the guitar changed my heart and my attitude about life and my relationship with God. I know I have made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes, but knowing that someone as genuinely good as you lives in this world is enough to to make me believe there is still hope for someone like me.
And so I say thank you. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for seeing what I couldn't see, and being with me, and teaching me things (both about guitar and about myself) that I couldn't learn from anyone else. And although I know that these feelings may not be reciprocated, I love you. You showed me grace, forgiveness, and worthiness, and there is nothing else I can offer you but love.
You may never read this. In fact, no one may ever read this. But I need to know that it exists; that at one point I acknowledged the fact that I love you more than I thought possible. I apologize for the brutal honesty, but I see no point in hiding it. You saved me from myself and any chance I get to see you and chat makes my heart flutter, and, in reality, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, I hope you feel that same, but for now, I will go on, watching you grow into an even greater man, from the sidelines; all the while knowing that you will be great in whatever you chose to do, wherever you choose to do it, and with whomever you choose. I just hope I have made some small, if insignificant, impact in your life. It is all I can ask that I will not be forgotten in your eyes.
You were my messenger savior through Him, and for that, I can never repay you.
Thank you.
It didn't occur to me until this evening the huge underlying message in the song I was learning. This man, who I had considered a friend, a companion, a strong supporter in my life, was quite literally showing me that he would be the one to save me. I'm not sure if he knew it at the time, but I know that I did not. I considered it just a simple song with simple chords to teach a beginner guitarist, but now I can see the message behind it all. Probably, God was sending a sign that this would be the song to get through the to me, but I can not really thank you for that. There are no words that can express the gratitude I feel for your actions of kindness. I wouldn't doubt if that is how you act towards every person you encounter and get to know, but I know I will never forget what you did for me. I will never forget how the simple task of taking the time to teach me a song on the guitar changed my heart and my attitude about life and my relationship with God. I know I have made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes, but knowing that someone as genuinely good as you lives in this world is enough to to make me believe there is still hope for someone like me.
And so I say thank you. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for seeing what I couldn't see, and being with me, and teaching me things (both about guitar and about myself) that I couldn't learn from anyone else. And although I know that these feelings may not be reciprocated, I love you. You showed me grace, forgiveness, and worthiness, and there is nothing else I can offer you but love.
You may never read this. In fact, no one may ever read this. But I need to know that it exists; that at one point I acknowledged the fact that I love you more than I thought possible. I apologize for the brutal honesty, but I see no point in hiding it. You saved me from myself and any chance I get to see you and chat makes my heart flutter, and, in reality, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, I hope you feel that same, but for now, I will go on, watching you grow into an even greater man, from the sidelines; all the while knowing that you will be great in whatever you chose to do, wherever you choose to do it, and with whomever you choose. I just hope I have made some small, if insignificant, impact in your life. It is all I can ask that I will not be forgotten in your eyes.
You were my messenger savior through Him, and for that, I can never repay you.
Thank you.
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