Crossroads

I feel like I'm at this point in my life where I could continue to make all of these stupid decisions and slowly spiral out of control (like I've watched my family do forever). Or, I could maybe take a minute and really consider what life could look like if I stop making these stupid decisions.

This feels like a silly moment of pause, like how hard is it to see the obvious choice, but part of me doesn't want to face what could happen if I start being smart. I like having fun. I like being the fun person and for some stupid reason, I like being able to drink a decent amount. How ridiculous is it that I'm actually kind of proud of that? I kind of like surprising people with the shit I've done or am willing to do. Because I've always been the good student, the good kid, the goodie two shoes who's never been watched too closely because I'm trusted. What would like look like if I wasn't that fun person anymore? What would it look like if I start only socially drinking and stop after one or two because I know what happens when I drink more. I like feeling that happy buzz, but it's not common for me to stop at that point. I'm capable of it, but it's not the norm.

Maybe I want to continue this crisis. In some fucked up way. Why? I have no idea. I'm attached to my mental illness and don't know what life will look like without it. I'm miserable, but that's all I know, so why change now?

But then again, I don't want to throw away all the hard work I've put in. I got in to a PhD program for fuck's sake. I graduated college at 20. That's kind of a big deal, but I feel like I'm just wasting it by being this "cooler" version of myself where I do stupid shit and have fun just for the fuck of it.

So I'm torn. I like both the smart, scholarly, responsible version of myself, but I also like the fun, silly, kind of stupid version of myself. Maybe I just need to find a balance between the two, but I think the only way to do that is to let the fun one go for a little bit. Maybe I'll actually feel like I'm being an almost ok half-assed student and get some shit done that I can really be proud of if I let this stupid, fun, drunk Sam go for a titch. I don't know if I'll like how it feels for a little while, but I bet in the long run, 'twill be good. Then maybe, just maybe, I can start to integrate some aspects of fun Sam back in to life, where hopefully she won't take over again and I can maybe live a happy and fulfilling life. Wouldn't that be nice. Ha.

Alright, sorry team. Stream of consciousness over.